Wednesday, January 26, 2011

spilled milk. it undid me.

whataday. oh my goodness, what a day.

I'll make this brief: was up EVERY hour during the night with a feverish, screaming baby who could not find comfort in my arms; when I 'officially' woke up, got an upsetting email from my hubby (he is fine, we just got reminded that we have zero control over anything); Evie's fever continued, as did the screaming; tonight, kaiti acting goofy, spills her cup of milk in the kitchen, I am a terrible mother, tell her to clean it up, and then tell her she can pour another cup, drops the newly purchased gallon of milk jug (my fault, it was too heavy for her), it breaks, milk spills, kaiti cries, I get the mop while wiping away tears, then she runs in asking for water, falls on slick floor, knocks her head good enough to get a goose egg behind her ear and a bloody lip.

At one point tonight I had 3 of 4 children crying simultaneously, all for different reasons, each one not able to be consoled with a quick hug while I moved on the next.

So tonight, folks, I was not enough. And as it pains me to admit this and say it loud, but, I lost my patience. I should have taken deep breaths, but I didn't. I got mad when Kaiti spilled her milk the FIRST time and snapped at her to pay attention and quit goofing off. Instead of saying "it's okay" when I saw on her face that she felt really bad and was worried I would get upset, I yelled "You need to pay better attention!" (I am well aware of how terrible I am as I am typing with tears and full of guilt. I know.) And then, my sweet-hearted child made that face. A face that was a blend of sorry, upset and scared by the sting of my tone,  wanting to please, and so taken back that her mom just snapped at her- the same mom that always says spills are no big deal.

I feel terrible. Once I got the kids in bed, I went into the bathroom and cried a little. I am overwhelmed- yes, tired-definitely, needing a break-absolutely;  but none of those things excuse me snapping at my daughter. They don't.

I am not sure why I am coming on here writing this. Maybe it is the little Catholic girl within wanting to ease the burden of what I've done with confession. Maybe it's a need to keep it honest. I definitely do try to keep calm, and most of the time I present the funny things we do and tell stories that are light and reflect the easy, the ordinary part of our life. But as everyone knows, life isn't all sunshine and daisies.

Like tonight. Tonight, I feel less than human and am so disappointed with myself. I. feel. awful. And the awful wells deep. I let the course of the day get the better of me and I handed it out to my daughter with my sharp tongue. The same daughter who, just hours before all this, fed her baby sister dinner for the first time so I could cook dinner for the big kids.

Which makes what I did even worse.

So I hope, I really, really hope, that next time I am on the verge of snapping something not nice to one of my children, that image of Kaiti's reaction to the sting of my snap comes leaping into my head. That I don't make my children curl away from me and stare at me that way again.

Tonight, I feel like a very bad, very mean mommy, and I am so sorry I snapped at my sweet Kaiti girl. And the thing is- it's done. I cannot undo it. I guess all I can do is try to be enough for her tomorrow. And tell her that I'm sorry. That even though I was frustrated and upset, that is never a reason to speak harshly and hurt someone else with our words.

And I will say a prayer that God fills my heart with love and patience and helps me in my path towards being the mom that I hope to be.

Because tonight, folks, I was not even close to the mom I hope to be.

Not even close.

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