Monday, February 22, 2010

Not ME!! Monday- N Week!!

Another Not Me! Monday post and I feel so fortunate to get to share these made-up coulda been, mighta-happened stories. It's fun to to pretend that you took a pregnancy test in the Chic Fil A restroom, fun to pretend that you realize rather unpleasantly that you forgot deodorant and smear some anti-bacterial bath n body works stuff under you arms, fun to pretend about the time you tried to save money on a haircut and wound up with a mullet. Boy, if some of these things had actually happened, I would not be nearly as together or with-it as I aspire to be..... but since we know this is all fiction, and this, it's important that you know how very together and with-it I am.

Now, on to the fiction.

After the crazy rush of obligations, appointments, functions, and such, I assure you it was NOT ME who was (oh gosh, please forgive me here) a teenie bit grateful when Jack threw up and had a slight fever on Thursday night, because it gave me an out from going to Tyler's 7:30 t-ball practice. I know, I know, if that really happened it would make me a pretty shameful mother who saw her son's vomit as a chance to rest and sit one out. Good thing that's all fiction!!
{before you go reporting me to child services, Jack is teething & responds this to way every tooth}

I am doing a wonderful job at curbing my pregnancy cravings for sweets (something about girls makes me dessert-happy-- must be all that sugar and spice I am making!), so it was NOT me who took a leisurely stroll through the Publix bakery, and after about 5 minutes, approached her husband with a tower of goodies in her arms, and asked 'Is this a problem?' Had that happened, my very sweet, but very KNOWING husband would NOT have responded, 'Nope, not a problem......but are we going to get to have any of that stuff?'

notice the lack of oatmeal raisin cookies? well, it WASN'T me!!

If you read my blog, then you know it was NOT this pregnant lady who was sure she was having a boy. (It wasn't me who wrote THIS POST). So, with knowing instinctively I was making a boy, when the ultrasound tech asked if we wanted to know what we were having, I nodded yes even though I already knew. She focused in on the gender spot and said 'Here's what you're having!'  It was NOT me who said, 'I don't see it.' Jeremiah did NOT stare at me, smiling, saying, 'You don't see it, babe...look again.' I did NOT squint and focus really hard and again, kinda pathetically say, 'Where is it? I don't see IT!' Finally, seeing my confusion, my husband said, 'That's because 'that' is not's a girl, babe.' Still puzzled, I did NOT stare again, and finally realize that, despite my intuition, the little child on the screen was not a he, but a SHE!!!! Tears did NOT well up upon realizing this. So much for my motherly instinct.....

Out to dinner with friends one night, I noticed a rather pungent smell coming from Jack's direction, and scooped him up to change him. I got to the restaurants restroom, with not a changing table in sight. So, I walked out to my car, holding Jack, when I realized that diaper contents had overflown and were now smeared on my arm. YUCK!! Finally getting to the car, I lay Jack down on the 3rd row seat, atop some gift tissue paper I had found in the glove box, since our changing pad was at home, and dug in for a diaper. Digging and digging, and the realization hits me-- no diaper. I knew there was one in the back of the car-- a spare that was at least one size too small and was falling apart (literally, there were cheez it crumbs on it)--so I breathed a small sigh for little blessings, and started searching for the wipes. No wipes. They were in the restaurant table, where we put them after wiping Jack's mac n cheese hands. So what did this near-tears, stinky armed, not-sosresourceful mama do? Well, I did NOT grab a water bottle, a pack of kleenex, and tear off some of that tissue wrap and create makeshift wipes for both Jack's bottom and MY ARM, march back into the restaurant, hand Jack to my husband, and RUN to the ladies restroom for some hot water and soap. ICK!!!!! That did NOT happen to me!!!

Finally, the doozie of all Not Me's! (at least for me)........Kaiti's pre-k class passes around a letter box with each letter of the alphabet, and the kids in the class get to take the box home and fill it with 5 things that begin with that letter. As you can imagine, some letters are harder to find than others. For some reason, we were having a hard time finding 'N' things in the house. So I suggested Kaiti and her brother draw on paper some things that start with an 'N', and then we could cut them out and include them in the box. They asked for ideas, so I said think of 'N' fruits, animals, body parts, or toys. So, that night, before the kids went to bed, I did NOT inspect the box (to some not fully surpressed giggles) and find this..........

....can you guess what it is? Let me give you a hint-- it's a body part that does not see the light of day, and us women keep it holstered. Still can't figure it out? Okay, it rhymes with tipple. Can you tell my kids are raised by a breast-feeding mama? (I am sure they knew that it was not the most appropriate thing to draw- Kaiti defended it by saying she can't draw a kNee- but it's not as taboo as it would have been, if say, I had drawn it.) To save Miss Pat and Miss Betty from a stroke, and rather uncomfortable conversation, I removed the 'N' drawing. So, it was NOT my sweet and innocent daughter who brought the N box to school with 4, and not 5, N things inside!!

To see more Not ME!s, go over here.

1 comment:

Lisa said...

That was hilarious and also reminded me that I forgot deoderant today, too! LOL!!! The drawing is the best! And if it makes you feel any better, I totally thought this baby was a boy, too!! LOL!


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