Monday, March 8, 2010

No way....NOT ME!!!

It's Monday, and that means it is time to share all the things I would NOT, could NOT, should NOT do. And I DIDN'T. Like, I didn't tear a napkin in half to scrawl a note excusing my son's absence from school while he was climbing out of the car. I am not so terrible at applying mascara that I use vaseline eye makeup remover every time I put it on. And I don't have a jar of mini reese's peanut butter cups stashed in the BACK of my cabinet so I can keep them all to myself.

For starters, I am well aware that baby gear and items are constantly changing, and I do know that companies come up with nifty new items all the time, and are constantly improving on the old ones. This weekend, Jeremiah replaced 2 of our Avent bottles, and threw out the old ones because they were pretty funky. So, this morning, when I was getting a bottle ready, I was confused when I saw a little piece fall out from under the nipple and wondered what that was all about. I did NOT decide it probably was not that crucial to the operation of the bottle, and left it sitting on the counter.  I did not hear shrieks about 5 minutes later, and turn to see Jack drenched and dripping with whole milk. I am certainly wise enough to know how to use a bottle, so the woman who soaked her son because she was too lazy to figure out what that extra piece was.....well, it WASN'T ME!

I certainly DON'T blame unhealthy wants on pregnancy cravings....NEVER EVER. So, I did NOT go against my better judgment and pull through the McD's drive thru and order some hash browns, and rationalize it by saying to myself, 'This baby NEEDS the carbs and the is CRUCIAL for her development.' And I did NOT devour those hash browns (they sell them in pairs-- I only wanted one, but I didn't want to hassle the McD's staff by asking them to break apart a PAIR) like there was no tomorrow because I was trying to get those essential greasy potatoes  nutrients straight to my baby girl. 

After repeated failed attempts, I did NOT all but give up hope of ever getting my real estate sales license. I had NOT gotten so accustomed to coming within ONE measly point of passing, that I had started to question whether I was smart enough to ever pass the state exam. So, when I was handed this after taking the test.....

....I was NOT completely confused, and in a state of near shock that I had finally conquered the beast. And of course, when I did get this certificate that I had worked so hard for, I definitely treated it like a special treasure and put it away somewhere safe. I DIDN'T leave it on the coffee table where one of my children mistook the paper for a giant coaster, and set their sippy cup down on it. I am sure the people at the Department of Business and PROFESSIONAL Regulations will be thrilled with their newest member when I turn my stained form in.

Oh, and I did NOT get in a little argument with my husband earlier this week and was grouchy and irritated that he was not helping me, but making a phone call I deemed unimportant. We NEVER argue about silly little things that. As I was frantically pacing the kitchen trying to get dinner on the table in time to eat and run out to Tyler's t-ball practice, I was silently fuming and plotting to give my husband the cold shoulder the rest of the night because I was so frustrated and overwhelmed. So, since I had made up my mind, it was NOT this wife who completely caved when her husband brushed by her, smelling delicious from his cologne, and looking cute enough to nibble. When I steel myself, there is NO turning back, and I certainly would NOT let go of time-toughened upset just because my husband smelled too good and looked too cute to pass up.

Finally, my children are always well-behaved and at least follow the basics of being kind to others, respecting their elders, and NEVER causing harm to others. So, it was NOT my child who, THREE separate times, decided to throw his big brother's Bakugan toys at some of the other little boys, while we were waiting for Kaiti to finish her dance class. I did NOT try to tell myself-- and the other moms-- that since those toys are shaped like a ball, he was probably just confused and doing what he would with any other ball. All hope of that theory slipped away, when he threw the toy a second time, nearly missing one little boys head, and turned and smiled a wicked grin at me. He certainly did NOT do it a third time, despite my repeated 'NO Jack!'s, and on the third time, I did NOT start handing out my insurance information to the injured parties......(okay, it didn't come to injuries, unless you count my motherly pride.) So, it is NOT this child who acts innocent and plays up the cuteness, while hiding the sinister trouble-seeking quality that lies beneath the surface!

who, ME?????


1 comment:

Ellie said...

Aw. I wish you guys were closer too. Vic and I were just talking about how we missed the Stonekings, Nelsons and Kopschs. We just have to make sure to keep in touch from time to time. Thank God you're so good at that.


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