Sunday, March 28, 2010

mary diane

In the past several years, I have come to regard my autumn as my favorite season. I love slowing down. Crisp, not-as-humid nights. The leaves changing colors. It seems to be a season that reminds us to focus on family. I know that is probably not logical, but completely how I feel.

With spring here, though, I think I am changing my mind. Sorry autumn-- I was such a fair-weather supporter. I think it is just a time in my life where I need to the sun to warm me. I crave that sense of renewal, of regeneration. In the past few days, I have felt like life has breathed her spirit back into me. 

It's ironic that I am feeling it most today. Two years ago today, my mom left this earthly life. Suddenly, with no forewarning, she went to Heaven. She was 53. Beautiful, full of life and hope and wonder, and with a heart as big as the sun.

In the two years since she has been gone I have graduated from college, struggled with worry over the health of my then-unborn son, rejoiced at his arrival, grieved welcoming a life without my mother by my side, said goodbye to a husband that left for a place where War was on the daily schedule, watched as my oldest left his church school and made his way into the big time (Kindergarten), saw Kaiti emerge from her introverted, painfully-shy cocoon, became pregnant again with baby #4, and learned that my mom's 2 daughters would together give life to a grand total of 3 boys and 4 girls-- and restore the majority vote to the ladies!

I have struggled so much in this new life, without a mom. I have crouched in my closet and wept while my family slept. I have had to turn my head at times, so quickly overcome with tears, to keep my children from feeling the sadness. I have taken many a good, deep breath when it feels like my heart is crushing any chance at living. 

But I have also seen the beauty of her life many times over. When I look at pictures of my oldest or steal a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I see her. When I feel beat in the ordinary experiences of raising 3 kids, I remember that she was proud of me, and I feel lighter. When I have felt sad or disheartened over something that happened, I know that she continues to love me, and feel so warmed by that. 

I pray for my family. I talk to her often. I picture her face in my head, and I smile. I think back at the time she was here, and it is never the big things I remember, but the little ones. Like how, even at the age of 28, I would be driving, and she would reach over and hold my hand. And me, the girl who typically cringed at such obvious signs of affection, would relish in the moments my mom loved me so much, she could not stand to let my hand go unheld.

There is the picture I have from right after Tyler was born. I am sleeping on the couch, with Tyler curled into my side, so wonderfully exhausted from nursing and nurturing this new sweet life. Jeremiah is sitting on the floor beside us on the couch, and he is stroking my face as I sleep. My mom took the picture. She saw something so beautiful, so filled with love, that she wanted me to see just how much my husband loved me when I was not looking. It is my favorite picture. 

She was my mom. And oh my goodness, do I know how blessed I am, I was to be born to her. I thought I was going to be crippled with sadness today. But instead I feel overcome with tears of love, at remember who she was and what she taught us. With my mom, it was never in the outward, obvious was always in the tiny pieces of life that so easily go missed that she was amazing. The times she reached out to hold my hand. The times I'd be sitting in the living room, getting kids dressed or changing a diaper, and I'd turn and see her just watching, smiling at me. When we'd play cards as a family, and knowing she should fold her hand, she wouldn't, just because she liked to chase things and she couldn't bear to not know how things would play out. 

No sadness today. Just some warm, happy tears remembering this woman who gave me life and who has made this life something more than I could have imagined. I feel the love from her today just as much as I did when she was here on earth, and I cannot think of a better gift. She was amazing. She gave me enough, and I thank God for her all the time.

How amazing would this world be if everyone felt that kind of love?

1 comment:

Josi said...

What a beautiful thing to read this morning. I have tears in my eyes but they are certainly happy tears. Your mother is an amazing woman and she has passed on that a most amazing daughter as well.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...