Monday, October 5, 2009

she lights us up

I woke up this morning to gray, gloomy skies, and a sense of uneasy nervousness. It almost felt like God matched the weather to my mood. (Comical, I admit. Please don't think I am so grandiose in my thinking that I would actually believe God selects rain or shine based on the emotional state of little ol' Shannon. I said it almost felt like....)

Today, my dad goes before the lawyers involved in the lawsuit regarding my mom's death. He will have to define the loss of my mother in tangible terms.....something I find both deplorable and unfeasible. He will be forced to sit and watch as my beautiful mother's abundant life is reduced to spreadsheets, power point displays, and legal conjecture.

To any person, that would be grim. To the man who loved her more than his human heart would allow, such a thing is torture unimaginable.

Only by the skin of his teeth, and through the grace of God has my dad made it this far- emotionally speaking. I think each day is a treacherous walk through grief and loneliness, and he is forced to push such raw emotion and heartache aside, just to manage the day to day things that most of us consider every day life.

When I spoke to him yesterday, I asked my Dad if he was ready. A ridiculous question, but something I felt compelled to ask. I think asking him that was my way of asking him if he was mentally prepared for what would happen. Again, I know that is ridiculous, but I guess the mom in me wanted to let him know that I understood how difficult going into court would be and that even though we are separated by thousands of miles, I would be with him.

I find myself looking up at the picture of my mom as I type this, and every time I do I feel reassured. She just always seemed to know that everything would work out just as it should. Her faith was strong. She never questioned the path she was walking or expressed fear or upset at the pitfalls and detours that sprung up along her route. She just kept walking, and found joy and love around every bend. What's more, she shared that joy and love with all of us. I never went a day not knowing how loved, how special, and cared for I was.

So, I am hoping that my dad walks though today's events as my mom would have done, with love and compassion in his heart. I hope, and I pray, that he feels my mom's love lighting him up today. I pray that he tunes out the legal jargon and brushes off the way they treat my mother like a file folder, and instead focuses on her lovely face.

Something good will come from what takes place today in that courtroom. Many goods already have sprung up, once He called my mom home.

My sister and I have never been closer-- my mom's lifelong wish. We have leaned on each other.

I have embraced my God with a renewed passion. I have found so much peace in knowing that this path was carved out long before I came to be, and knowing that He is here with me, enveloping me with His love.

I have learned that isn't what we do, or what we have or give, or things we say that matter to people. It is how we make them feel. My mom made us feel like we were all amazing, talented, remarkable, and significant. Like God gave her a family of extraordinary people that she was blessed to be amongst. When you make someone feel like they are something special, they become something special...even if the special is in the smallest of ways- special is special. Without a doubt, that was the greatest gift she gave me.

So today, I am gonna walk through the muck and know how special I am to have a mother who continues to light me up. I love her so much!!

And wouldn't you know it.....the gray is fading away, and rays are shining through the clouds. Grandiose or not, I'm basking in it. Love you Mom! (I am aware that my mom doesn't read my blog- that was for my own benefit. I just feel good saying it!)


Kelley said...

I am sitting here tryng to wipe the tears away as they come pouring from my eyes. Shannon, I wish I could crawl into your heart and feel the love and strength and the resilience that you have...I love you so much!

Kathy said...

Shannon, your love and strength are amazing, as is your ability to put that love so eloquently into words. You and your dad are both in my prayers, and I thank God for bringing you into my life!

Evie's Story said...

Im so sorry for the grief in your heart as you walk this out...praying His arms will reach where mine cannot!


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