Tuesday, October 20, 2009

deeper than the holler

Today, I feel bare. I feel stripped away of the ordinary, day-to-day emotions that usually clothe me. As the typical thoughts and feelings lay crumpled in a heap next to me, I realize that as I stand stark, raw, a clearness takes way. And all I am left with, all I see before me, is love.

The past week has been tough. No lie. I'm not proud to say that I felt like, on more than one occasion, this world had got the better of me. I felt sucked up by a cold wind, tossed about, and thrown down sharply against a rock hard ground.

I don't like feeling like this. It's definitely not a way I choose to live. But every once in a while, it happens. In fact, I downright despise the feelings that coursed through me.

But, as I have experienced before, wonderful things come from being ravaged by a life-storm. Truly magnificent things.

You see, when you finally just stand still and realize that there is nothing left to do except let the storm pass over you, there is peace. There is no more fighting the wind. No more struggle against the piercing rain. Just an amazing sense of clarity amidst the cloudiness.

And then love. Right there in front of me, love. And though there is plenty of love that surrounds me, the love that sheltered me most this week was the love of my husband.

You all know he is heaven-sent, right? I definitely believe that. Like I believe in laughter. Like I believe in play. Like I believe in the sun's ability to warm me from the inside out. I know Jeremiah was for me with all of the me that I am. God gave me him. He sent him to me, for me to love, for me to be loved, for us to create love.

I just love him. He does something for me- well, aside from the obvious ;)- on a level that is just his. He has a way of speaking to my heart without a whisper escaping his lips. I look to him, when all is blowing about around us, and I feel safe. When I worry that I am being carried away, that I am allowing the negative to take over, I find redemption and hope in his eyes.

This week, in particular, wrought with worry and fearing the unknown climb ahead of us, I turned to him. This man who seems unshakeable, who has kept to the course without so much as a stutter step.

I see this incredible strength and hope shine from him. So I asked him.

'Do you think there is something wrong with me? Am I bad, or wrong for focusing on the scary news? Why am I such a mess and so upset over all this, and you seem to be fine? Is there something wrong, am I so negative, that I only see the frightening words jump from the page?'

That was really how I asked it, as I had tears forging a stream down my face. I asked it because I needed to know the answer. Because he always tells me the truth, even if the truth isn't what I desire. I asked because I had been wondering those thoughts in my head- not aloud- for quite some time, and I needed an answer.

And with love coating his tongue and care in his eyes, he answered.

'No, honey, there is nothing wrong with you. You are a mom. You're his mom, and you're right to be worried. We're just different.  But you're not wrong. It's okay.'

And now I am crying as I type this. Because hearing him say that put my heart back together. I had been so consumed by apprehension and fear, but I also was just as heavily questioning my own response. I had felt such defeat and was angry at myself for not stepping up to the plate. I was mad at me for not rallying this time, and for letting the emotion take control.

But with his words, he lifted me. He brought me back to my feet. He removed that negative weight. He redeemed me.

I know- TRUST ME, I KNOW- how blessed I am to call this man my husband. He is unbelievably good, and honest, and loving, and right. And he is mine to love!

I love you honey! You're the best, most loving, kindest, caring, most honest man that ever was and I'm so lucky that you picked me for your wife!

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