Happy Birthday Jack!!!!!

One year ago today, our lives changed. One year ago today, my love multiplied, my heart expanded. One year ago today, Jack William was born into this world.

This child that we worried about, prayed for, loved beyond measure was born. When my wonderful doctor said, 'Get ready to meet your son', I looked at my husband who was peering over the curtain, and could not believe I was so blessed to be in that moment.

And then I heard him cry. That loud, shrill cry that filled the room was music to my ears. He was breathing, he was crying. The tears I had been holding back let forth and I felt a joy that would be pointless to try and describe. I asked Jeremiah and my doctor, 'Is he okay'. And Jeremiah looked down at me and said, 'He is perfect.'

This sweet gift from God, our Jack William, has changed me. Jack's very being reminded me that control is not ours to hold, and that we need to trust Him. He takes away, but He also gives. He stands by us as we question, as we doubt, as we shake our fists in anger, and He redeems us and wraps us up. I lost my mom while Jack was but a teenie creature growing deep inside me. I learned of sorrow and met sadness and despair, but I also was filled with joy and love from the life growing inside me. And Tyler and Kaiti needed a mom to be present, to be completely with them, to continue to find happiness and fun, and to love without holding back. Jack, Tyler and Kaiti forced me to embrace the light, rather than cling to the darkness!

So today we are celebrating Jack's birthday! I am thankful for all my children every day, but today is special. Today, we remember where we were a year ago, and how far we have come since.

I remember meeting my son for a moment before he was whisked away. And having to wait hours upon hours to go see him because I was not able to get into a wheel chair.

   

I remember how Tyler and Kaiti wanted so badly to meet their baby brother but could not because they were too young to go into the NICU. I remember how awful it was to tell them they would have to wait another day, and see the complete sadness and disappointment in their eyes.

I remember being terrified by all the monitors and reports we were getting. I remember wanting so badly to rip the tubes and wires from him and nurse my sweet child.

 

I remember praying my broken heart out, the saltiness of the tears, and clenching my husband's hand tightly as I was wheeled to the car at the hospital, without my child. I remember such anguish at not knowing when we could take him home or the battle my sweet son would have to fight.

AND....I remember joy and elation when they told us he could go home. I remember true, complete love when we introduced our baby to his anxiously waiting big brother and sister. I remember the happiness that filled our home that day, the peace that came from being together, finally, as a family.

Happy Birthday Jack Jack!!!!!!! We are all filled with love for you, sweet child!