Thursday, April 21, 2011

hey shannon! snap out of it!

This past weekend, my husband was in port. It had been a month since we spoke, so it was wonderful to hear his voice, and even better to see his face on skype. Man, I tell you what, I love skype more than chocolate and naps combined. Not only do I love seeing my man's cute little face, but watching it light up when he saw his baby girl crawl for the first time across our living room floor- nothing in this world like it.

It's also so reassuring to know that he is right there, smiling and safe, and it bridges the distance between us, at least for 30 minutes.

We usually talk about mundane stuff.....things I want to tell him at night, but since he's not here, I save it up. I tell him what the kids are up to, the kids chat with their daddy, show him some of their tricks, but most of the time Jeremiah just soaks in the craziness that is our home. When it's just he and I, though, I get to talk to him about what is on my heart.

And this time, boy, did I have a lot on it. For starters, I've been worried. I try not to watch the news, but something happens, or I hear people referring to something, and it stops me. I am usually very good about keeping my worry in check, so I am not sure why this time is any different. Maybe just because he seems to be surrounded by conflict and people that see us as the enemy. Because it seems like one country after another is revolting, violently, and our country has it's hand in some of it.

But leave it to my husband to reel me back in from my worry walk. Ever so gently, he reminded me that there are always conflicts, especially in the region he is in. He asked me what specifically worried me, and I said the idea that he was in harms way, that people do NOT smile and wave when they see US Navy helicopters-- they do something else entirely. And I mentioned some of the articles I read and what they said.

His response: "Babe, if you didn't worry when I was getting shot at in Iraq then you don't need to worry about me now. I am way safer here than I was in *the desert. Way safer. There is no comparison. And stop reading those articles." 

So there you I have it. I think it really is that simple. He was in a scary place before where the worry was real and warranted, and he came home to me. I can't spend my days worrying about what may be because I will get swallowed up by fear, and that is not where He wants my focus. Fear and worry spread like a virus and will take over everything--- if you let it. 

Of course, I still am going to have my moments. But Jeremiah's reassurance has already gone a long way in pulling me back. This lifestyle does lend itself to torment. The self induced anguish causes the seconds to tick by at a snails pace. Your heart, your mind cannot go on like that for months on end. My kids need me laughing. They need me daydreaming about the homecoming, sharing my excitement about summer's approach-- not wondering through the what-if's.

This is where my heart is today. Trying to let love seep through the worry, and wash it away. I wish I was all knock-knock jokes and sarcastic quips, but this is the uglier, not-so-lovely side of me. Sorry to be a Debbie Downer. wah-wah-wahhhhhhhhhhh. Tomorrow (or the next day) I'll be back with some ridiculous anecdote that'll make you feel like the most wonderful mother alive.....I just needed to write it out today. Writing through my feelings is better on my waistline than eating through them :)

And Thursday's thought:

"So close your eyes and sleep to dream. 
I'm by your side. 
No words to speak. 
We'll set our course and make it through. 
No matter how far I go my heart remains with you."
-lyrics from If All Else Fails

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