Not Me Monday!

It's Not Me Monday time! Where I get to share all the things that did not happen in my week, all the things that I did not say or did not do.

Because I've got it together. And ALL of my ducks are in a row. But you already knew that.

Who completely laughed (very much out loud) when she saw a perfectly put-together, furry-vest wearing,  ice-skating mother try to do an eloquent spin at the ice rink and totally fall on her butt? NOT ME! I would never........

Who kept calling a friend's husband the wrong name, even after being corrected several times? At the bowling alley with friends, who kept calling someone J.R. even though she had been corrected by her husband AND by another firend, and told more than once that it was JUNIOR and not J.R.? I don't know, but it was NOT ME! That would be just a little embarassing......

Oh, and the other day at Publix, who was that woman who dropped her purse upside down when trying to nonchalantly just toss it into the cart? Who was that woman who stood there with her purse contents spilled in the entrance of the store- the woman who turned bright red when she noticed a pair of little boys size 3T Cars underwear laying on the floor of the grocery store for all to see? NOT ME!!!! But if it was me, I totally would NOT have snatched everything up and then rambled somewhat loudly about potty training a three-year-old to no one in particular, making an even bigger scene. If that HAD happened to me, I would have been way more graceful with the recovery.

You know that not a lot embarasses me, right? It takes a lot. So, if say, I was having a pretty serious conversation with my boss and Jack came running up, screaming "MOMMY WIPE MY BOOTYYYYYYY CAUSE I JUS POOPED!!!!!", I would not have stammered over my words and cut the conversation short. NOT ME!

-----and the grand finale, that happened about a month ago, but I didn't want to share because the woman in question would be so completely mortified!!!! but then said woman may have realized it's too funny not to tell and hopes you won't think she's just a terrible excuse for a parent---

NOT ME! NOT MY HUSBAND! NOT MY SON!!!

While PG-cuddling with my husband on our bed one afternoon, I remembered something I had to tell him. I sat up, with my rear sitting on his thighs, and he was laying down beneath me, listening to me. So I'm talking and my husband, who is always very mature and appropriate and aware, and, and....so my very mature and appropriate husband DID NOT try to be funny and bounce his hips up and down with me straddling his lap (before you ship us off to adult boarding school, we were FULLY CLOTHED), and since that DID NOT happen, there was no reason for me to laugh and tell him to cut it out. And you know what really DID NOT happen? My son sure as day DID NOT come around the corner into our room right at the moment, bust in the door, eyes growing as large as saucers, taking in all of this fully-clothed inappropriate cuddling (???) and shout out "MOMMY! You're riding Daddy like a HIPPITY HOP!!!"

Because, folks, if that HAD happened, I would have dropped dead right there on my husband.

I think I've shared enough for today.