And the word is......INCONSIDERATE. I-N-C-O-N-S-I-D-E-R-A-T-E. Thoughtlessly causing hurt to or inconvenience to others.
"When I tell people how long Jeremiah will be deployed this time, and they respond with 'Oh, that's not that bad', I find that incredibly INCONSIDERATE.'
INCONSIDERATE.
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Yep, I am definitely venting. But it's my blog, and I'll vent if I want to, vent if I want to.....
Seriously, I am considering this an FYI post and a holla to all my other military spouse friends, because I bet if you asked, they'd agree-- this is the last thing they want to hear someone say when asked how long their spouse will be gone.
And in the past week, I have heard the 'Oh, that's not that long,' or 'That's not too bad' line from SEVERAL friends.
To date, I have just smiled and nodded my head.
But........
...if I shared what was going on in my mind, it-would-go-a-little-somethin-like-this!
Really? Not that bad? Compared to what? Him being gone for 15 years? Your right, it is not as bad as that. But it still sucks for me. I have a newborn. A cuddly girl whose daddy should be here to rock her to sleep. An almost 2-year-old, whose birthday my husband will miss during this 'not so bad' deployment. And my daughter, who is not participating in ballet or dance this fall because it is too much for mommy, tell her it's not that bad. Or my son, who won't be going on the Cub Scout campout with his Daddy, the one that all the other little boys are sure to talk about......tell him it's not that bad. Or my husband, who has missed hearing his baby girl make laughing noises for the first time. Has missed seeing her REALLY smile, like smile so big it looks painful for her lips, kind of smile. And my Jack, who is at that age where he doesn't get the concept of time but wants his daddy so bad he still cries for him and it's been over 2 weeks. And me, the mama. Who keeps taking pictures like crazy because I don't want my husband to feel like he missed the big and the little things. Who has gone two days without showering because her little boy gets into EVERYTHING that my only shot at hygiene rolls in at about 11pm, and I am just to beat by then to do it. The mama who sees her kids missing their daddy, but at the same time see them become all too accustomed to good-byes and in a way, are used to life without him here, that it breaks my heart into pieces. Me, the wife. The wife who loves her husband's face, her husband's voice, who calls his cell phone over and over just to hear his voice for a minute. The wife that sleeps in a sweatshirt doused in his cologne, that misses him so bad she wonders if she'll make it to the end-- tell me AGAIN that it's not that bad.
......I don't say those things, but I wish I could. So I am saying them here. Sometimes silence and a smile are a thousand times better for a friend than the words you think sound fine.
--And before I get any emails or comments, let me say- I am incredibly proud of my husband and I know that he chose this line of work. I am grateful for the many things that the military provides. However, a sense of pride, paycheck, access to healthcare, and job security does not lessen the sting of constant deployments and continuous good-byes. I am not taking away from the Navy, and I know he chose this.
I am simply pointing out that it feels thoughtless when others tell me that the division of my family is 'not that bad'. It sucks. 2 weeks, 2 months, 6 months, 1 year. It sucks. And since most every woman who has said this to me has a husband that comes home every night, I think it's fair to say, they have no idea........
So, really, friends, I'd rather you just smile.
5 comments:
Wow! I'm in tears. I found your post from Blog Frog. I hope and pray that anyone who said that to you, only said it because they didn't know what to say. I pray that your friends would come along side you and comfort you and help you! I pray that those very friends would be prompted to give up one night with their husband to allow you one night of peace and a warm long bath. AND I pray that one or even two of those friends might step up and offer to take your daughter to dance every week, even if it's a small sacrafice.
Thank you to your husband for making that sacrifice for our country. Just because he chose it, doesn't make it any easier. And if he and other fathers and husbands didn't chose it, who would? There would be no one fighting for our freedom.
And thank you for the sacrifice that you and your children have to make! I can't imagine. Thanks for writing this post.
Oh...and you have a beautiful family. :)
Visiting from BlogFrog.
I'm glad you wrote this!
Just to hear what it is like from someone going through it... we can all learn to have more compassion.
I wish you the best, and hopefully a hot shower in your near future.
so my husband has deployed 7 times and the last time was a month after we moved. his unit was already deployed so he just joined them. i must have heard 100 times that he will only be gone 5 months, that is nothing. all i could think was okay then you move somewhere where you know NOONE and are not settled and then take your husband away for 5 months. i am so feeling your pain
My heart breaks for you and your family. It is horrendously insensitive for people to minimize the challenges you face when your spouse is deployed. Hugs to you and your wee ones. I think it's a fantastic idea for you to vent and share your true feelings. Hopefully some of your readers will be educated and not make the same mistake...
Your feelings are totally validated!! I am glad you were able to come here and say something!! You are right, no matter the length, it sucks!! Many thanks to Jeremiah for his service, and thanks to YOU for making the sacrifice.
Love the pics of Evie below, by the way!
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