from scratch, again

We took North Carolina license plates off our car this week and replaced them with Alabama plates. That felt like a plot twist.

This week was hard. The excitement of moving and all the newness fizzled some, and we were left with a somewhat flat, overflowing glass of reality. Being in a new town, not knowing a soul (though one of my very favorite friends is a town above me, just about a 35 minute drive away THANK THE LORD), and beginning again from scratch.

Well, not entirely from scratch. We have each other. And that is a lot. But also.....

Also why I think sending them off to school, each to their new classrooms, felt so unnerving and raw for me. They had to go off on their own, without a sibling beside them, without me behind them, and it felt scary. For some of them. Probably all of them, actually, some just hide it better. And for me.

For me.

As loud as they are and as crazy as they make me, I always feel better when we are all together. The whole lot of us. Even with the fighting and again the loud.....it is for sure worth mentioning twice because we are already loud, but a big house without rugs or carpet and not very furnished and I feel like I am in a shout tunnel trying to find quiet so I can work and basically just yelling over them FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING WILL YOU PLEASE LOWER YOUR VOICES AND STOP RUNNING!!

Back to me not wanting to let them go. I really didn't want to let them go and considered keeping them home longer. But I knew the longer we waited the harder it would be, and those questions in my heart would not go away even if I allowed them to miss a couple extra days of school. Will they find friends? Will people be nice? Will they feel welcomed? Will they struggle? Will they know they are loved? Did we - DID I - make a bad decision moving here?

Y'all. Let me just say.....I love adventure and fresh starts and learning new places and new people and new ideas and new cultures. But I also feel very deeply and my feelings often fill every space of me, and I understand that my children aren't like me in the chase-after-adventure respect.  So I carry the weight of my children's "will they"s with me and it has been overwhelming.

Also. A terrible trait, one of several, of mine, is that I am a second-guesser of my own decisions. My husband reminded me today that I have done this with every. single. move. So it is not unique to our move to Alabama, but that doesn't comfort me much. Should we have stayed in North Carolina? Was this a good decision? Did I do the wrong thing?

But even with all the hushed second-guessing thoughts springing to mind at every turn, I am also a jump anyway-er.

I feel strongly that we should not NOT make a decision because we are scared or apprehensive. Life is short. There is a whole world filled with people and places and I feel like we were meant to not stay in one place. (If you are the opposite and feel roots are better to plant, I think that's amazing. Sometimes I wish I was like that, too. So please don't feel I am cutting down a different way of thinking.)  So I find myself very much on team 'jump anyway', despite the inner turmoil that often follows the jumping. And I am hoping that when my kids see me jumping that they inch a little closer, content to follow my lead, so they can jump too.

And I am hopeful that what we are jumping into is welcoming and warm water that envelops us. And not the opposite.

So. We made it to Friday. Two days of school. Today was better than yesterday, and I will take progress, no matter how small. It will take time, I know. Change is hard and it is a process that is not likely to be OKAY WE ARE ALL ADJUSTED AND SO HAPPY TO HAVE MOVED overnight.

Talking to a friend tonight, she said "So do you love it?". And I was kind of at a loss.

Do I love it here? Wellllllll. Honestly, no. Not yet. I love my house. I love the sunshine. I love that 49 degrees was freezing here and people were cursing winter for making them wear jackets. I love that I am down the road from my amazing friend. I love that we are ten minutes from the beach. I love that there is a Starbucks drive through 6 minutes from my house, and I love that every morning I have stepped outside I have been greeted by birds singing in a new season.

But I left behind friends, AMAZING friends, a big beautiful unspoiled view of the sky, familiarity - the feeling of home. Finding your people, your place, your spot that makes you feel at peace, that all takes time. And I am not prone to falling in love fast.

So here we are. Starting over, from not quite scratch, praying my kiddos find friends and goodness, wanting to slow the days before my husband deploys, and hoping that each day sinks us further into that "this is where we were meant to be" feeling.