on body armor

Hi friends. Since this is my (very neglected) family journal, I thought I'd share about some of the stuff happening now.

As most of our friends know, my husband will be retiring from the Navy soon. He put in his paperwork, it was approved, and we have an official retirement date. He will go on terminal leave November 2017. Which is wonderful and scary and crazy and nerve-wracking, all at the same time. But it was definitely the right time, and we are all looking forward to what this new chapter will bring, hopeful about the change that is to come.

Once he retires, Jeremiah is looking at a job that will still require him to go overseas, for months on end. So that part of our life, unfortunately, will not change just yet. However, there is freedom in that this job does not require us to live in a certain location, nor does it require us to live in a certain place for a specified period of time. So, what that means is that for the first time since we have met, we can move to a place based on where I get a job. And not vice versa.

I have worked as a marketing coordinator from home for over a decade. I was fortunate enough to be able to grow in my position and keep my job regardless of the fact that we moved often. Working remotely has been great for giving me so much flexibility in this season of my life. But now that season is drawing to an end. Soon I will have all 5 kiddos in school. And honestly, I am really feeling the need to work OUTSIDE the home. For all the reasons working from home is wonderful (flexible, money saving, ability to self-manage and work independently), there are just as many drawbacks (no separation from personal life, never truly having "off" hours, etc). I am so thankful that my boss has believed in me, empowered me, and supported me-- the hardest part of this new journey will be having to leave behind such a wonderful team of people. But I don't want to let that stop me from trying something new. So off I went, resume in hand, ready and eager to find something new.

I've applied for several jobs all over the world. We fell in love with Spain this summer and would love to live in Europe and get to see more, explore more, and learn about a culture different from ours, so we (me, more than anyone else) would love to find a job overseas. While I would love to get a job in Spain, I have also applied for jobs in Italy, Belgium, Germany, Bahrain, the UK, Japan, and I think a couple more that I am forgetting.

I was actually in the process of applying for a job in UAE when I scrolled down and saw that the position required the applicant to be able to wear 40 pounds of body armor. SAY WHAAAA??  I shared something about this on Instagram, which is kind of what prompted me to write this post. The body armor requirement had nothing to do with the job tasks-- it was solely because of the location of the job as a precaution, I'm guessing. (I had a couple friends reach out and ask what kind of job I was trying to get that required me to wear body armor! haha!! Like this entire time, I was training as a Knight, and y'all had no idea!!) While I have certainly cast a wide net in my job search, I decided not to apply for that position. Because, while I definitely think I could wear the 40 pounds of body armor, being able to actually move  in the body armor is a completely different story. And even if I could move, it would not be very fast.

I have been on the job hunt for 3 months now, and whew, can it just suck the wind right out of your sails. I have faith that the job that is right for me will appear, or maybe it won't and I will be forced to consider another path... I am trying to find a peace in either outcome. While I believe that He will open doors for me, I know I have got to knock first. So I am knocking. But so far, nobody is answering :/ Boy, is it tough. I've waited several years to be able to apply for jobs regardless of where they're located, and now that I can, I am finding that it obviously isn't as simple or as quick as I thought it would be. I am learning a great deal about patience and am being forced to truly sink into what I know to be true.

I applied for a new job this morning, and for the first time since the very beginning, I feel pretty good about this one. The freeze on federal hiring is definitely proving to be a roadblock, but I am trusting in His timing.

If you happen to have any tips on securing a federal job, I would love to hear it! Or if you know of an opportunity that sounds like it would be a good fit for me-- holler at me!

Right now, our plan is this....if getting a job overseas does not work out, we are most likely moving back to Florida. So either way, we have so much change ahead and with that change, a lot to get done. Like getting our NC house ready to put on the market! If you are the type of person who loves to clean, sand wood floors, and paint every single wall/baseboard, let me know because I have just the thing you are looking for. (haha!!!)

And because a post without pictures is bland, here are some pictures of a few colorful mini quilts I have completed recently!

a winter *break*

My mom used to say I was like the energizer bunny. It was straight go go go until I was spent and then nothing. Where others taper off as they exhaust themselves I go and then nothing.

That is still true. And evidently, it spills over to my favorite hobby.

I quilted my tail off last year and it all caught up to me at the beginning of the year, and I took an unplanned, rather long, break from making. 

So many things went into this, but a huge factor was the fact that I stopped making what felt good and made what I thought people wanted to see. And in doing that, I lost my joy. I think I have already mentioned this, so I won't bore you again, just to say that getting to that point was a wonderful thing because I feel like my focus is now sharpened and my time is dedicated to really making what feels good for me and what is a true creative expression of me. That sounded much deeper than I intended, but hopefully you get my point.

Some of the things I thought about as I moved forward, that are goals of some sort:

• Play with color. Negative space doesn't need to be white. Go bolder. Saturate!
• Don't dismiss a pattern at first glance. Find a way to make more traditional patterns modern and whimsical
• Create more from my own original ideas. Trust my own intuition. And accept that failure is an inevitable part of creating and making something new and beautiful.
• and on that note, let go of the need to make something brand new. Too much pressure to create a completely unique design. Just find a way to put my own spin on something. Stop limiting myself for fear of redundancy.

With all that in mind, here are some of the things I have made lately!

The one below is not in colors I would EVER gravitate towards. But I love how it turned out. The center fabric is divine!!

I loved the center fabric so much that I ordered it for the quilt backing!

This whole quilt was derived from a block I made for the Sewcial Bee Sampler.  I simply enlarged the block and based the whole quilt on 6 large blocks. I love making big blocks. I feel like it really gives the fabrics a chance to shine!

Also, that honeycomb fabric!!! I love it!

Above I mentioned making patterns that I was not particularly drawn to. This is a prime example. The pattern is from Camille Roskelley's book Simply Retro. Her blocks were really big, so with this quilt, I downsized them to make a baby quilt. Again, the center of the stars is a great opportunity to showcase fabric!! And instead of using my traditional white border, I grabbed a really soft pale aqua. I wasn't sure about it as I was quilting. Now-- I am really happy with how it turned out!

xoxo

still here

Since my mom died, I have had maybe 6 or 7 moments of complete emotional break down. For the few months after she died, I was mostly in shock. And then when the shock wore off and it sunk in that she really was gone, I broke. I was pregnant at the time, with 2 small children, and Jeremiah was deployed. I crumbled in my cramped master bedroom closet and prayed to be swallowed up because the pain of her death was bigger than me. At one point in that closet, I was hugging one of her shirts to me, trying to breathe in the bits of her perfume that still clung to it, willing her back to me, and I heard her say “you cannot do this, you have babies to take care of and they need you.” I eventually got up and got on. And when I got up, I made a promise to myself to not sink into that awful grief pit again, because I didn’t think I would have the strength to pull myself out. Only a handful of times have I let the pain of losing her wash over me.

 Today was one of them. 

It has been 9 years, and still after all this life without her and trying to move forward and focus only on all of the goodness that she was, the grief still cripples me. Cripples me to the point of shaking and sobbing that comes from somewhere inside of me that cannot be controlled or getaholdofyourself-ed away. I am pretty sure that the day she died, a piece of my heart crumbled off, and I will experience the aftershocks of that until the day I die.

 If you didn’t know my mom, let me paint you a picture. She grew up one of 8 children, her family didn’t have much money at all. When she married my Dad, she started working for the federal government. She was a typist at the time, and always prided herself at being a fast and efficient typer. (This makes me smile, because I remember standing behind her as her fingers click clacked he typewriter keys so fast, and when the ding of the typewriter signaled a new line, I read it to see she had not made a single mistake. She was proud of that skill!) Every time my dad got stationed to a new base, she would get a job ahead of the move, staying with the federal government. She worked hard, she was incredibly kind and gracious, and she really was a champion for the employees. From a typist to a GS-14, she worked her way from the bottom to become one of the most loved and respected people in her agency. But through her success, she never changed— she always stayed the girl who looked out for people, who was nothing but love and generosity.

 One time she came from work and walked into my room with grocery bags and started plucking clothes from my closet. She turned occasionally saying “this is okay if I take this, right?” and in my confusion I just stared. She explained to me that someone who worked for the commissary, the wife of a marine, had children going to school in clothes that didn’t fit or were so worn that they had holes. We didn’t have a ton of money either, so my mom came home and took almost half of our closets, stuffed them in a bag and then walked away. 

Another time when I was home visiting from college, she got home from work and said “Shan come help me take care of this bed,” and as she ripped sheets and bedding off the guest bed and then my sister’s old bed, she explained that one of the ladies she was working with was going through a terrible divorce and she had just found out she and her children were sleeping on the floor of the apartment they were living in. So she gave them our beds. 

She loved the people who worked for her, and that she worked with, so deeply, whatever they were going through, she felt it, too. She never let anyone go through anything alone, and always let people know how much she cared for them. I have memories of her chasing down garbage men before dawn, barefoot, the curlers bouncing in her hair as she ran down a dark street, chasing after the garbage truck with  gifts to thank them for doing such a wonderful job. The same for postal workers, for our bus drivers. She had a closet filled with gifts with little post-its on them: "for the lady at bank", "for receptionist at salon", "for lady one street over who gardens". She didn’t want anyone to ever feel forgotten, alone, or unseen. If you cried to her, she hugged you so tight and cried with you. If you needed help, she did what she could to help you, but quietly, because she never wanted to chip away at someone’s pride. She wasn’t just this person to me. She was this person to everyone. She was love, she was humility, she was kindness and compassion, she was smart and hard-working, she was ethical and faithful, and we never ended a phone call without her saying “I love you honey, don’t forget to say your prayers.”

We are on the heels of much change, my family. Life as we have known it all these years is about to shift in a pretty big way. I have been trying to embrace it and prepare for it, trying to just hold on and figure things out bit by bit. But all in one little moment today, it felt like too much. And I whispered with empty breath as I caved, I wish my Mom were here. 

Not because she could right the world for me. Not because she could find me a job, or help point me in the right direction, or we would have a place to go “home” to. 

Just because she would hold my hand and feel this with me, and I would feel lighter because she had absorbed some of my worry. She was magic, like that. Just speaking out a problem and knowing she was there was enough for me. It is an amazing thing to be so loved that you know you are never walking into a scary situation alone. To know that someone loves you and is fighting for you and believes in your decisions and knows you have what it takes to figure things out when they are so murky, there aren't words to put to that.

She isn’t here, though. She hasn’t been for a long time. And yet, here I am, still. Plenty of hard spots, lots of difficult choices, some pretty dark days, and I am still here. Everything has worked out as it should. Dark days gave way to light and worry and upset turned into joy, a joy that is even more beautiful because it didn’t come cheap. 

She isn’t here, but she is. All the things she taught me, all the things I saw her do, how she cared so selflessly for her children, her husband, how she gave of herself and tried to create good for other people, how she worked her behind off and never gave up……I saw her do all that. I watched her make a difference. She struggled, too. It didn’t come easy. It’s not like it was all smiles and hugs and laughter. She experienced loss and hurt and wasn’t always treated fairly and was sometimes put in very difficult situations. But despite all of that, her life was filled with love and kindness and generosity and hard work and compassion. And even though she isn’t physically here, maybe in some ways, she still is. Because I am a part of her. I have more than her curls, the shape of her nose, the depth of her laugh— I am made of the other stuff, too. The amazing stuff. I am her daughter.  And in these moments when it feels like the walls of responsibility and the unknown and the weight of determining the right path are closing in tighter around me and I whisper softly “I wish my Mom were here”, maybe I need to take a deep breath and clear my mind enough to remember that a part of her never left.

---if you have read this far, thank you. sometimes when I miss her so much, the only thing that makes me feel better is telling the world how amazing she was. 

When one sewing machine door closes....

I feel like I have been hustling since the last week of August. Between the kids and their homework and their sports and my job and everything else, I finally feel like I can maybe sit a minute and even read a book.

This past week started with an incredible amount of stress, when my sewing machine started skipping. I tried all the normal things, several times and realized none of those things were working. So I took in to be serviced only to be told that the timing was bad. I was already completely stressed because at the time I had three people who were waiting on me to finish custom orders. But then to hear my sewing machine basically bit the dust and I couldn't sew a straight stitch anymore? Ugh.....

I decided immediately I needed a replacement machine. I could just purchase another machine that wasn't too expensive.....OORRRRR...I could bite the bullet and get the machine I  have been saving for and dreaming about right then and there. You guys?!?!?! 

I got my dream machine!!! A Janome Horizon Memory Craft 8200 QCP. I looked at the 8900, but I really didn't need all of those fancy stitches. I use a straight stitch 90% of the time, occasionally a zig zag, and less frequently a satin stitch. I really didn't need a machine that could sew 1,000 stitches. But I did purchase the extended quilting table with my machine!

Here she is!!!

And here we are, doing our thing!

Every single time I turn her on, I do a little happy dance.

The top 5 things I already love about her:

1. TONS of throat space

2. Automatic thread cutter!!

3. Knee presser foot lift

4. The light is powerful and awesome

5. She sews like a dream. 

I feel like I am quicker, more efficient, and I have more control when I sew with her. I am so smitten! You guys, I have literally been dreaming about upgrading to this machine for over a year!! And now I get to sew with her whenever I want. I am so happy.

Here are some quilts I have been working on. 

I loved the one above. It was centered around Sarah Jane's beautiful line of fabric called Magic. You can get a bundle here!

This was made with a charm pack of white squares and Lullaby, and I love the soft and tranquil look that these colors bring!

This was made for my Quilt The Book challenge! I am doing a spectacular job---- being that this is the only quilt I have made so far :/ But I sure do love it. These colors are everything!!

This was a quilting in progress shot of something I will be sharing later. This quilt was one I designed myself, specifically to have something more original that was definitely me! I am sure there have been other quilts like this, but if so, I had never seen them. I will share about this one in another post!

I did several that were like this, and I love them. I am a sucker for big pieces that really showcase color and pattern of fabric, and I tend to think the simpler designs look cleaner, more modern, and more in line with my style. 

That center patch of fabric!!! Love it!

Another quilt I dreamed up in my head one night and got out of bed at around midnight and went downstairs to my quilting room to get it going.

This one was made Annabel Wrigley's Maribel, which is so perfectly charming!

I realized it had been a while since I made a boy quilt, and I tried to branch out from my typical aqua or navy, and included some greens.

Made around the Sommer line of fabric!

I think this style will always be my favorite. Big patchwork with some fin blocks mixed in!

This one is in my shop now. This fabric line is one of my all-time favorites!!

Heather Bailey makes BEAUTIFUL fabric! This quilt design was based on the Peaches and Cream quilt tutorial. I changed some dimensions and sashing, but it is the same idea!