Thursday, April 29, 2010

Psalm 23

Diary of A Tired Pregnant Woman

Monday April 19: Jeremiah's flying late, Jack tries flushing a box full of Legos down the toilet- only gets about a 3rd down, morning sickness returns despite the fact that I'm in Trimester #3, Kaiti feels sick and misses Ballet & Tap, Just give up my rules and bathe baby in sink

Tuesday April 20: Jeremiah's flying late, Tyler's Zoo field trip, Jack colors on our walls with crayon

Wednesday April 21: Jeremiah's flying late, OB Appt, Ultrasound # 89 for Evelyne, Tyler accidentally whacks Jack in the head with a plastic baseball bat

Thursday April 22: Tyler's Student Awards in Classroom, Customer calls me to tell me she is having 2nd thoughts and wants to back out of deal to buy home- make appt to show her house again to ease cold feet, T-Ball game- chasing Jack around about forces Evie right out of my belly, Watch my kids devour 2 cartons of strawberries in 1 day and wonder what it will be like when I have 4 chowing down

Friday April 23: Morning sickness still happening, Watch my littlest entertain himself for an hour with a bowl on his head, Sit out Tyler's t-ball game because exhaustion is taking a toll, Kaiti falls on playground bars, gets brought home by Michele, in pain and bleeding from a place no mother wants her daughter to bleed from

Saturday April 24: Early AM take Kaiti to ER and am worried like crazy about my little girl, miss Tyler's t-ball game- ask friends to watch Jack because Jeremiah is coaching and cannot leave the field, Reschedule appt to show house, Cancel all evening plans and work from home while cuddling my daughter

Sunday April 25: Husband not feeling well but cleans kids rooms anyway, Work for about 4 hours from home, Tyler not feeling good, Jack feeling better, Figure out the only thing that does not make me sick is cous cous so I eat a lot of that

Monday April 26: Tyler seems to be suffering from allergies, Jack sick, too, Kids home from school, feeling like Evie dropped in my belly and not liking her new position much, Kaiti takes her little brother on a bike ride as I clean up the garage, Take Kaiti to Ballet & Tap

Tuesday April 27: Take boys to doctor, While at doctor's Tyler has asthma attack and is taken back for x-rays and breathing treatments, They keep us for almost 4 hours, given oral meds of steroids to open lungs up, Tyler is a champ and braves most of this alone because they would not allow Jack in room during treatments, and I could not accompany him to x-ray

Wednesday April 28: Take Tyler back to doctor's per their orders and he looks a little better, still not 100%, Kaiti's beloved goldfish Miss Lady dies- complete devastation ensues and she is beyond heartbroken over the loss of her fish, Searching my house for a towel SO I CAN THROW IT IN!

Thursday April 29: OB Appt, Gestational Diabetes Test, Kaiti's Graduation Ceremony- she graduates VPK!!!!

Friday April 30: Ultrasound #90 for Evelyne, Kaiti's End of Year Party, Shrimp Festival in Fernandina

Saturday May 1: Tyler has a t-ball game, Work, Clean house

Sunday May 2: Praying that Sunday will, in fact, be a day of rest.......

....It'd be great if life could slow down just a bit, just long enough for me to catch my breath and maybe talk a 5 minute back rub out of my husband. No? Okay, what about 2 minutes?

Friday, April 23, 2010

out of the mouths of mamas....

MckMama wrote a post today about some of the things that come out of the mouths of mom's in the every day course of parenting little ones.

Have you ever said something to your child, heard it in your head, and realized just how ridiculous, silly, and completely illogical your life has become?

Here are some of the things that have come out of my mouth in the past week.......

'Why are the baby's teeth orange? Why did you give him a crayon? Well, just because I told you that they are not 'tossic' doesn't mean it's a good idea for a snack. Why don't you let mommy decide a good snack for the baby.'

(last night at my son't t-ball game) 'Kaiti, why are you walking around with a ton of dirty cups and straws. Well, that's nice that it is earth day honey, but I am not sure I want you putting your hands on things that have been in people's mouths. I know that your teacher told you to do your part, but picking up someone's half eaten ring pop isn't really your part.'

'Please take my bra off your brother's head. Yes, it is funny, but the people at the grocery store might not think so. I don't care if he likes it honey, that's not what little boys wear on their heads.'

'Why do you think your fish doesn't like Jack? WHAT?? Right NOW?? (Running back to Tyler's room) Tyler, the next time you see your little brother trying to stick a light saber in your fish bowl, please come and tell me.'

'No, that was not a real cow. Because real cows don't walk around on two legs. I don't know why the lady told you it was real. Kaiti, listen,  I can assure you that real cows don't just walk around Chic Fil A on two legs at dinner time and let small children rub their bellies. Because I just now.'

'Please, please, PLEASE stop making that noise. Because I don't like it. No, I don't need to hear it more to like it. Kaiti, that noise is LOUD and not lovely and it's making me crazy. Fine, it is making me crazIER.'

'No, Sprite isn't really healthy. What I said was, Sprite can help settle your stomach if you're feeling sick. No, that does not make it healthy. I did tell you the truth. Water is the only really healthy drink. What? Umm, so in the past 30 seconds your belly started hurting so bad that you immediately need sprite- not buying it.'

'Please don't do that honey, it does not feel good. Well, pushing on my belly won't make Evelyne pop out. No, I have never tried it. I just know.  Because I do-- it's not like she's inside a push-pop. I'm  absolutely sure it won't work. Please just trust me on this. Okay.......fine......the next time I go in, I will ask my doctor for you.'

'How many pictures have you taken of yourself on my computer? Good grief. No, I am not going to print them all out. What does Mother's Day have to do with it? Honey, that's sweet, but I don't know if silly pictures you took of yourself is a good Mother's Day present for the kids in your class. Yeah, I think a card is enough.'

For more funnies, visit MckMama's post HERE!!

Monday, April 19, 2010

NOT ME! MONDAY.....My husband and baboons

Not Me!!! Monday, and boy does today feel like the perfect day to marvel in imperfection. I'm beat, feeling under the weather, and moping about the fact that my husband is flying late, which means it's a one-woman show. I wouldn't mind if he was only flying late tonight, but if he starts the week of with a late flight, because of rules regarding crew rest, that means that he will likely fly late the entire week. And as most of my mama friends know, later afternoons and evenings tend to be the witching hour with small kids. Okay, I'll stop wallowing for a bit and get on with it.

We went to the zoo on Friday morning and we were lucky enough to see the baboons having a wonderful time and making some incredible noises. You have to see this....

-- you're going to want to mute the music player at the bottom of the page for this--

After giggling for a good 20 minutes, I did NOT walk away muttering something ridiculously inappropriate-- 'Reminds me of daddy after he gets home from deployment.' *The kids did not hear me, but the man and woman standing next to me did, and gave me an interesting look as I pushed my stroller past them.

After picking Tyler up from school, I was walking into my room, and heard an interesting conversation between my son and daughter. I heard Kaiti say the word 'bra' so my ears perked up. Kaiti was telling Tyler at length that bras are only meant to be worn outside the house, which is why her mama takes her's off when she walks in the door. Tyler was disagreeing with her, and saying how you leave it on until bedtime, when you put your pajamas on. Miss Kaiti did NOT argue, 'No Tyler, bras are just for outside because we girls gotta protect our stuff from the wind, cause it blows so hard,  so girls are not supposed to wear a bra inside because there is no wind in here!!!' I did NOT start laughing quietly to myself in my room and decide to let that explanation stand for the time being. I also DID NOT start altering my routine just a bit so my daughter does not associate our arrival in the house with the removal of said brassiere.

After talking to Kaiti's teacher today about the end-of-school-year party planning we are doing, I was left feeling a little bit irritated with some of the parents of the kids in Kaiti's school. I asked Kaiti's sweet teacher if there is any way we could say, sternly, that if you plan on coming to the party, please bring a dish for everyone. I suggested we say it sternly because this year we have seen many parents arrive with not a thing to share, and we end up running out of food before all the children have had a chance to eat. (My children have been at St. Matthew's for 3 years and never have we had such an issue with this...)Kaiti goes to a Christian school, and I know the Christian response would be to brush it off and take pleasure in feeding everyone. But it really drives me nuts when people show up to something without contributing a single thing, and then fill their plates, and leave without pitching in. UGH!!! If you're going to be eating something, bring something-- right?? So I did NOT suggest to kind-hearted Miss P that if we see people showing up without a dish in hand, I tell them that the price of admission is a platter of food, and direct them to Publix just down the street :)

And following that up, after a t-ball game, my friend Annette invited our family over for a BBQ that night at her house. I asked her what we could bring, and she rattled off a bunch of homemade, yummy sounding things that others had agreed to bring. I had several hours to prepare a dish but was beat and felt a nap was calling my name. Soooo.....after telling her we would be there at 4:30, we did NOT leave our house at 4:28 and floor it all the way to Publix so we could pick up some of their 'homemade' spinach dip and french bread, along with steaks, hot dogs, and juice boxes. I am such a lovely guest!!

When I first started working with Lisa (my boss), I helped her manage a system that helped her track showings, open house schedules, and feedback from other real estate agents. We decided to send out an e-campaign focusing on a Home Buyer Seminar she was hosting through a local bank, so we could let our sellers know what she was doing to help attract buyers. In the e-mail, I had to attach a generic photo to the e-campaign, and planned on sending it to my boss for final approval. Since it was just going to my boss, I decided to just attach a photo of her cat, mid-meow and looking pretty ferocious..... I honestly cannot remember why I did that-- probably to get a laugh out of my boss, who had just hired me less than 2 weeks before, and give her a little insight into my mind- and also because we had not yet decided on the stock photo we would use, so I needed a filler photo. The email probably would have garnered a laugh, had I just sent it to her. Instead, I most definitely did NOT send it to EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN HER ADDRESS BOOK.....any seller she had ever worked with, and any agent that had EVER showed one of her listings, which totaled about 400 people. Upon realizing what I had done, I did NOT start drafting my resignation letter....... 
*Thankfully for me, she chalked it up to a beginner mistake, and did not fire me. 3 years later and still going strong, and not a single cat email since :)

I came across this just the other day. This is the follow-up email she sent out after I sent the now infamous catty email'

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

solved the mystery

I bet the reason we never see those Calgon commercials anymore is because they were getting calls and letters from unhappy consumers. You know what I mean? The people that poured the bubble bath and waited and waited, and they were never 'taken away'. I bet the switchboard operator was handed a script, so she could simply read it when these frazzled, overworked moms called their company desperately seeking an explanation as to why they weren't magically transported when they used their Calgon.

Okay, I should probably stop my incoherent rant here. To be perfectly frank, I've never used Calgon. And I am sure the folks that work at the bubble bath company are lovely, with the best of intentions. It's just that after a day like I've had today, I feel pretty safe in saying that no amount of scented potion poured into my hot tub would take me away.

Just one of them days..... Ever have 'em? Where it starts off wonderfully, and you think it's going to continue, but one by one, things start to unravel (like your patience, your positive outlook, YOUR MIND), and pretty soon you're sitting at a computer, taking deep breaths, and singing Jimmy Crack Corn to try and calm yourself down.

No? Just me? Really?

Mama said there'd be days like this, there'd be days like this my mama said!

The icing on the cake is that Jeremiah is flying very late tonight, so I'm on my own. Of all the craziness and frustration today, you know the one that chaps my hide the most.......

..............we're fresh outta M&Ms.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Not ME! Monday....The Plop heard round the world!!

Spring break stirred in me a little writing sabbatical. Actually, I would have loved to write some- it's my deep-breathing, my release- but with 3 kids to keep simultaneously entertained and brawl-free, I didn't have much time on my hands. Which explains why my floors and countertops look the way they do. Or not. I'm not really sure.....

So, with all that good ole quality time together as a family, I have ample material to choose from for today's Not Me! post. None of these stories are real of course- I write them just to make the disheveled, unstructured, absent-mided mothers amongst us feel better about themselves. Yeah, you're welcome.

I should mention that if you don't have children or you're even a teensie bit squeamish, you'd be better off skipping this paragraph. Just trust me. Okay then. On a busy morning last week, I brought Jack in from the backyard, filthy, covered in a slather of sunscreen and mud. So, I sat him in the bathtub, to get him all fresh and squeaky clean. I was sorting through piles of dirty clothes when I heard Jack making some funny grunting sounds. I turned to see his face- beet you know where I am going with this? Like in Hollywood horror flicks, I screamed 'NOOOOOOOOO' in slow motion, and dove down to reach him, his face still red, but now with an expression of confusion and slight fear. And just as I was lifting him up, I searched the bath water for any sign of what he had been 'producing'. I had my son barely 3 inches out of the water when I swear, I did NOT hear it- PLOP! And that first splash was NOT followed by 2 more plops. NOOOOO!! NOOO, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND RIGHT, PLEASE TELL ME THAT DID NOT JUST HAPPEN!!!!!   So, it was NOT ME who was forced to use a slotted shovel in my own bathtub, while suppressing the gags that were forming in my throat to fish some rather disgusting inhabitants out of my bathtub. And it was NOT ME who emptied the better part of 3 bottles of cleaning solution into my bathtub, and gave my littlest son some disappointed looks for most of the morning.

the culprit, in happier tub times

Now that I have you back with me, I'll stick to subject matter that isn't quite so stomach-turning.

I have a theory- more like a deep-rooted belief, really- about what I call the 'Starbucks mentality.' It goes like this... the lovely coffee chain that is Starbucks has created in Americans an overly-customized utopia that allows us  to pick and choose nearly every ingredient and practically demand that each and every one of our 'wants' be met and catered to, and served with a smile. And I am not referring to just ordering a coffee......I am talking about people who have been celebrated and told that they're individuals and demand to be treated individually, thus equating to them expecting each and every want, each and every expectation, to be met. Drives me nuts. I'm more of a 'you get what get and you don't pitch a fit' kinda girl. I shake my head in relative disgust when I hear people making their demands and assuming that everyone else just caters to each persons individual cravings....while muttering 'dang Starbucks mentality.' Those closest to me know my feelings on this.  It's just who I am. I'm also pretty strong in my convictions. All that being was NOT ME who pulled into the Starbucks drive-thru and asked 'Could I please get a tall, half-caf, white chocolate mocha, non-fat, no-whip. Oh, and could I please get that iced? Wait, no, hot is good. ' NO WAY!!!! And if I had really done such a thing, I would have NOT have shaken my head in disgust, grunted 'Dang Starbucks mentality GOT ME- it got MEEEE!!!', and blamed the whole thing on my unborn baby girl, Evie, as I pulled around to retrieve my drink. 

Oh, and when I got up to the window to pay, I did NOT ask the lady if it would be too late to add to my order, to include a croissant, a cinnamon swirl coffee cake, and an artisan breakfast sandwich. **In my defense, the croissant was for Jack :)

We had beautiful weather over spring break, and tried to spend a good portion of every day outside, riding bikes, at the park, playing in the sprinklers and in the splash pool. On day 3, though, our splash pool needed a little kick, a little oomph. But I want yall to know it was NOT my husband who came up with the idea of a redneck water slide.......

Every time we go to Publix, Tyler and Kaiti love to jump on the scale in the front of the store. And pretty much every time they say, 'Mommy, you should get on too, and see how much YOU weigh.' Typically, I pretend like they're not my children and just keep pushing my cart past them. Well, on a day last week, as they are hopping off the scale, they asked me to get on, and I did my usual- kept walking. My precious daughter did NOT yell across the entrance to the store, 'Mommy are you worried you're gonna break it and that's why you don't wanna get weighed?' NICE!!!!!

This weekend, I went on my first showing appointments without my boss at my side. I was pretty nervous in the beginning, but on my 4th house with the young couple who was looking to buy, I really felt at ease and my confidence level was pretty high. As we were walking around, I was pointing out some of the features, and said, 'And the pattern on this TILE floor is lovely.' The young husband cleared his throat, tapped his toe on the floor, and did NOT say, 'Uhhhh, this is actually VINYL.' I DIDN'T blush and say, 'Oh you're right......what a lovely pattern on the vinyl....' So much for feeling at ease and confident, right?

At the t-ball game we had on Saturday, I was talking to my friend Michelle, while (of course) keeping a very watchful eye on Jack playing at my feet, and Kaiti playing by the bleachers. I was constantly glancing back and forth between Tyler on the field, Kaiti and Jack in the grass, and Michelle at my side, and not missing a beat. I am always aware of what my children are doing. Always! I glanced over at Jack, who was sitting on the ground next to a trash can, and saw him putting something in his mouth. As I ran to him, I DID NOT see him licking the remnants of a ring pop (a ring pop that did not belong to us), happy as a clam as he sopped up germs, dirt, and bacteria I don't even want to think about. Awesome.

And it wouldn't be a not me! post without mentioning the fact that I am NEVER EVER late. NEVER EVER. EVER. So this morning, the first Monday after spring break, I did NOT hustle Tyler into the car 10 minutes behind schedule, high-tail it to school, and pull into the parking lot at 8:27. Schools starts promptly at 8:25. Kaiti, playing peacemaker, says 'Look Tyler, there's not really any people in the loop, so you won't be that late. Isn't that good??' Tyler did NOT huffily respond 'Yeah, there is nobody in the loop Kaiti because their mom's already dropped them off and all the kids are in their classrooms now. But our Mom is really late.' Trying to find something to redeem myself, I looked over and saw a mini-van making its way into the school, turning the corner on 2 wheels, and going Mach 10 into the parking lot. I did NOT point to the minivan and proudly say, 'Look Tyler, we're not as late as them. So grab your backpack, and you won't be the latest kid dropped off today.' 

Come one ladies, now that I've warmed you all up with some good ol' fashioned mama fiction, feel free to share some stories with me. Share-- it'll make those other mother's feel so much better about themselves. At least, that's what I'm told!


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